It’s not easy to make a client angry. They come to us wanting help. They hire us because they trust us. They desperately want us to succeed because our success is their success.

So how do they end up upset? How do they end up threatening your staff? How do they end up filing a complaint against you with your state regulatory authority?

Well, they’re crazy, right? It’s not your fault. It’s all them and if they would just get some help this wouldn’t have happened.

I suppose that explanation is reasonable – once in a while – but not every time. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes we neglect a client. Sometimes it’s our fault – not theirs.

Here are my top ways to alienate a client, cause them to complain and encourage them to trash your reputation. I learned these through trial and error, with the emphasis on error.

1. Don’t call them back. Or take at least 24 hours to call. This is especially effective if they leave a voicemail about how they don’t know what’s going because you won’t call them back.

2. Always explain things from the other party’s point of view. Explain what the other spouse must be thinking and why this seems reasonable. Never relate to your client’s perspective.

3. Always be calm, cool and collected. Never get enthusiastic about helping your client and their cause.

4. Always put yourself first. Schedule meetings according to your schedule, not theirs. Use the best parking spaces for yourself and your staff. Smoke in your office so that it stinks (I haven’t tried smoking, but I’ve made some really stinky popcorn). Be creative:  you can figure out how to be selfish.

5. When something goes wrong – lie. Just make something up. I haven’t tried this one but I suspect it would work really well, especially if you lie about something the client can check up on, like when a document was filed with the court.

6. When something goes wrong – blame someone else. Opposing counsel is a good choice. You can also blame the judge, the clerk or someone on your staff.

7. Make it clear that you know it all, you’ve done it before and your client can’t possibly have a good idea. This is especially effective with engineers, physicians and college professors. Never ask the client for their thoughts and feelings. Tell them what to think, how to feel and what you’re going to do next, without any input from them. After all, who knows better than you, right?

8. File documents and send letters without showing them to your client first. Don’t let them see anything until it’s too late to change things. After all, it’s your way or the highway.

9. Delegate the tough stuff to your client. If you run into a problem, make the client solve it. Difficult medical situation with a child involved in a custody case? Make the client hunt down the expert. Need tax advice? Send the client on a wild goose chase to find an accountant. Appraisal not delivered to your office? Have the client call the appraiser.

10. Strive to be only slightly better than the other lawyers you deal with. Don’t aspire to excellence. Just do your best to be one notch up from the lowest common denominator. Explain to the client that you don’t need to be prepared because opposing counsel won’t be prepared. That’s always impressive.

It’s not always easy to make a client really, really angry. But with thought, effort, and this list you can help your client achieve a state of apoplectic rage.