I was scrolling down a lawyer website and cringed. I kept reading, and I got this icky feeling as I read. I hated it.

Of course, I couldn’t stop reading; it was like watching a car wreck. Then I said “yuck” out loud. The site was making me feel queasy with its horrible marketing message.

Finally, I had that feeling in my throat like I was going to wretch. I hit the little “x” and closed the tab. I got away just as I felt the bile start to climb up my throat.

Visiting some lawyer websites is traumatic. I’m in recovery now. I’m starting to feel like myself, so I thought I’d pass along some of the lessons I learned during my time on that site. I’m hoping others can learn from my time spent in that horrible place.

Here are the top 11 things to avoid saying on your website:

1. “Affordable”

Let’s say I need a deadbolt lock for my front door since I live in a high crime neighborhood. Do I want the “affordable” lock? Is that what’s important to me? Do most of your clients think of their problem as a minor annoyance or a big deal? Affordable is important when the problem you’re solving isn’t terribly important. How big are the problems you solve? Remember, prospects asking about price aren’t really asking about price.

2. “Free Consultation”

It works for some lawyers as a loss leader. That’s especially true in the personal injury arena with clients who are experiencing financial difficulties. However, a “free consultation” isn’t a good idea across the board, even in personal injury. Do I want the “affordable” lawyer with a “free consultation” if I’m a $150,000 software engineer unhappy with how the nursing home is treating my mother? Or do I want an amazing lawyer who has earned my trust? Don’t assume “free” is a benefit to your prospects. It’s a testable concept, and it’s not a universally good idea. Free is a bad idea in most practice areas.

3. “Moot Court and Law Review”

No one cares unless you’re marketing to lawyers. Real people want to know whether you went to “real court,” not moot court. Real people also don’t draw a connection between you being “Articles Editor” of something and your ability to solve their problem. In fact, they likely view being “Articles Editor” as a negative instead of a positive. What do articles have to do with anything important? I’m not suggesting that you can’t use these accomplishments on your site. However, don’t lead with them or overdo it. Lead with things that matter to your prospects.

4. “Spring Special”

OMG, I really did visit a site recently that is offering a “Spring Special” discount for child support cases. What can I say? This isn’t a trust builder—it’s a trust destroyer.

Ask people whether they’re motivated to solve legal problems based on a sale price. Go ahead and ask and see what they say, okay? Do the research.

This is just a really, really bad idea, and I say that from having tested website ideas since 1994 (yep, they had the web back then). This is the kind of marketing blunder that could catch fire, go viral, and irreparably damage your reputation for a decade. Just don’t, please.

5. “Top Notch,” “Excellent,” “Outstanding,” “Preeminent,” “Exceptional,” and “Expert”

Say it if you need to say it, but it’s pointless. Why? Because everyone says it. It’s the kind of language that allows us to insert any law firm name and logo and use it on any website. It’s generic. It’s a waste of space and time, and it doesn’t help anyone decide to hire you. Use words that set you apart, make you interesting and different, and demonstrate your value.

6. “We,” “Me,” “I,” “My,” “Our”

If you’re talking about yourself, then you’re losing. People want you to talk about them and their problems. They don’t want you to talk about yourself. You already know this, so why does your site start off by telling us how great you are? That’s a mistake. Start out by talking about your readers, then keep talking about your readers and their problem, and then talk about your readers some more.

If they understand that you understand, they’ll trust you and they’ll call you. If they think you can’t stop talking about yourself, they’ll call someone else. Stop convincing us that you’re wonderful and start showing us that you understand.

7. City, Town, Neighborhood, City, Town, Neighborhood

Many lawyer websites have these lists of cities, towns, and neighborhoods on their sites preceded by “We serve…” Usually, they’re plastered at the bottom of the homepage. Get rid of it. Everyone, including Google, knows what you’re doing. Don’t do it unless it’s legitimately helpful to the reader. Don’t distract from your credibility by loading your page with gimmicks.

8. Terms of Art: “Family Law “or “Domestic Relations”

Every practice area has the words used to describe it by lawyers and the words used to describe it by laypeople. Which audience are you targeting? If you’re targeting laypeople, then use laypeople language. If you’re targeting lawyers, then use lawyer language. Ask your clients what words they use and then use that language on your site.

9. Make a Payment or “Pay Your Bill”

The link for making a payment is often one of the most prominent features on lawyer websites. It’s typically one of the first items in the navigation bar, or it’s featured in some fancy button. Just don’t do it. You don’t need that button. No one is coming to your site hunting for the button so they can send you money except in your fantasies. Put a link in your bill, but don’t slap it up on top of your website. It tells prospective clients what you care about, and they’re not impressed.

10. Insider Words: “Boutique,” “AAML,” “Chairperson of Whatever”

Don’t use words, phrases, or abbreviations that regular people don’t understand. No one refers to “boutique” law firms except lawyers. No one knows what those abbreviations mean. Unless you know, based on research, that your target audience uses these words, then don’t use them. Stick to real words used by the people you’re interested in getting to know. Avoid the insider language and code words. If it’s important and meaningful to your prospects, then say it in a way that allows it to be understood.

11. Search Engine Optimization Copy

This is actual copy from a real website. The names have been changed to protect those involved.

Jacksonville Family Lawyer—Alpha, Bravo, and Charlie

People who need a Jacksonville family lawyer should look no further than Alpha, Bravo, and Charlie. Their years of experience combined with sensitivity and compassion have helped ease many clients through the difficult situations that come under the jurisdiction of family law.

Since clients are usually distressed when they turn to a family lawyer, it’s up to that lawyer or the law firm to be clearheaded and to be the best advocate for their clients. Therefore, the divorce lawyers in Jacksonville, Florida adhere to the highest legal and ethical standards while at the same time being militant when it comes to defending their clients’ rights.

[ While I have you here, I wanted to remind you that you can get the latest articles delivered to your inbox a week before they go up on the web. Just one email per week. Sign up here. ]

Alpha, Bravo, and Charlie, and a Jacksonville family law attorney, work in the following areas:…

The copy just doesn’t read right. It’s written for Google and not for the prospect. Maybe you can write for both audiences, but I can’t, and the lawyers at Alpha, Bravo, and Charlie can’t either.

When in doubt, write for your prospective clients. In fact, I’d encourage you to write for one particular person you dream of getting as a client. Sure, that’ll sometimes mean you exclude someone by writing for a particular type of person, but that’s dramatically better than writing for Google. Don’t worry about the search engines. Worry about informing, educating, and persuading the people you’d like to have call your office.

These are my top 11 things to avoid saying on your site. There are plenty more, and spending a few hours on lawyer websites is the fastest way I know to find things to not do. They are often a collection of bad ideas.

Stick to telling your client’s story and your story, and you’ll go far. You don’t need to say any of these 11 awful things.