I get quite a few requests for my time. People e-mail or call asking me to do speeches, webinars, and podcasts, and they’d like me to write an article or a chapter for them. This has intensified over the past five years of writing here at Divorce Discourse, but it’s something that has gone on for my entire career.

For many years, I agreed to do most everything I was asked to do. Over the long haul, that was probably a smart move. It got me exposure and built up the balance in the favor bank.

Agreeing to do the writing and speaking cost me little other than time. I had time. I’d write an article instead of watching The West Wing or some other show. It was a smart move for me (and I figured I could catch up on West Wing later).

The Signs of Overcommitment

At some point, however, the scales tipped. Instead of cutting into my TV time, the projects started taking away from income-producing activities like talking to clients. That’s when I started to feel the pressure and the stress of overcommitting.

All of a sudden, I found myself with more work than time. I was struggling to get everything done. That meant my life was full of cranky people: my clients, my wife, and the people to whom I had promised articles and speeches. I was saying yes to everyone and failing to deliver. I made more commitments than I had the resources to fulfill.

I had to learn to say no. That wasn’t something that came easily. If I declined a speech or an article, I risked losing exposure to a new audience. If I said no to clients’ requests, I risked damaging my reputation when they told others I couldn’t deliver. If I tried to wiggle out on kid duty, I had an angry spouse. Saying no was a lot harder than simply uttering the words.

But I had no choice. I couldn’t do it all. In fact, I had a heart attack at age 37 (during a custody trial) that made it really clear that taking on more and more just wasn’t going to work out. That was promptly followed by a disastrous court appearance during which I forgot to offer some required evidence before resting my case (thankfully, it was repaired by my insurance carrier). Saying yes just wasn’t working out. It was time to learn to say no and let go of some things.

How I Reclaimed My Time

So what did I do? Did I come up with some magical task management system? Did I get tutored in delegation skills? Did I record my daily activities and have them analyzed by a productivity guru?

No, I didn’t do anything preached by the gurus of time management and productivity. I didn’t adopt a special system or approach. Instead, I did something simple.

I started saying no. Literally, I said no. Of course, I felt obligated to respond fully and give a complete explanation. I’d explain in great detail why I couldn’t do what was being asked. I’d go on and on in detail explaining the conflicts I faced and the time commitments I’d already made. The party on the other side of the conversation would listen, respond pleasantly, and thank me. There was no further pushing, no attempt to convince me, and no pressure.

They asked, I declined, and life went on. My reputation didn’t suffer, my business didn’t suffer, and I felt nothing but relief. It’s an awesome feeling. In fact, my saying no had no impact on the likelihood of the same person coming back with a subsequent request at a later date.

In my imagination, saying no had all sorts of consequences and fallout. I was sure it would be a disaster. I was wrong.

The Easiest Way to Decline

Saying no works. It’s the word you’ve got to learn. I’ve been saying it for quite a while, and things have continued to move in the right direction. In fact, I’ve refined my approach to saying no.

I used to give the full story and explain all of my reasons for passing up the opportunity. That wasn’t necessary. Eventually, I figured out that no one wanted to know or even cared why I was declining. They just wanted an answer, and they wanted it quickly. If I say no, they’re going to move on to the next person they plan to ask. Their agenda is to find someone to say yes, and they want their yes as soon as possible.

Now I simply say, “Thanks for asking. That’s not something I can do right now.” They thank me and move on. Everyone is happy.

The lesson I’ve learned—and it took me a very long time to learn it—is to let some opportunities pass me by. Picking and choosing is much smarter than taking on every task once you reach the point of needing to limit your commitments. Be willing to let it go. Be willing to just say no.