Fear is what holds me back.
What about you? Is it fear?
Is it the reason you’re not setting up meetings with referral sources, publishing videos on your website, or giving speeches to local civic groups?
I bet you’re like me. I bet it’s fear for you too.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe for you it’s a lack of time. Maybe it’s a lack of education. Maybe it’s a lack of money. Maybe it’s simply that you don’t have the energy.
But I bet it’s not any of those things. I bet it’s fear.
What’s the Story You Tell Yourself?
Come join me in my frightened little place. It’s nice here. It’s comfortable. Fear, like misery, loves company. Of course, I’m afraid you’ll join me, but I’m also afraid that you won’t.
Take a look inside. Is it fear for you? What’s your story for not doing what you know needs to be done?
Those stories you’re telling yourself, those rationalizations, make you feel better about not taking action. However, they don’t result in you taking action.
You can keep telling yourself stories, or you can do something to move forward. Your call.
I find myself telling myself all sorts of stories about why I don’t do the things I know I should do. I can feel my fear in me. It took me a while (53 years?) to figure out what it was. For a long time, I believed my own stories. Fear is powerful.
The Impact of Fear
When I hit the publish button for an article like this one, I can feel it. I get anxious that you’ll reject me for drifting away from straightforward articles about my typical topics. I worry that you’ll read this and wonder who I am to be talking about fear. What are my credentials? What gives me the authority to talk about an emotion? How in the world would I know what you’re feeling?
Give me a minute, and I can let my fear overtake me. Give me a minute, and I’ll talk myself into dropping this text into the trash can down there in the corner of my machine. Give me a minute, and I’ll return to the safety of doing nothing, saying nothing, and avoiding stepping out in front.
There are lots of reasons that I could move my finger away from the trackpad and not hit publish. In fact, sometimes I think it would be smarter to simply hit the delete button. That’s my fear talking.
Sometimes I feel it when I go to dial the phone. If I’m calling some big-shot lawyer about having lunch, I am nearly paralyzed. Instead of pushing the digits, I move on to something else that’s on my task list. Worst case, I flip over to my movies folder and crank up something to watch. I’m pretty good at avoiding my fear. Distraction is my tactic of choice.
There are countless things that I don’t do because of fear. There are lots of calls I haven’t made, lots of articles I haven’t written, and lots of videos I haven’t recorded because of the fear.
What about you? That’s what matters, right? You?
Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way. But I doubt it.
So many lawyers that I talk to explain to me why they can’t take this step or that step, and it usually involves the lack of time. But if you start talking about TV shows, they can give me a play-by-play of the latest season of whatever’s popular on HBO.
That doesn’t sound like a time problem to me. It sounds like a fear problem. I get it. I feel it. I let it control me sometimes.
Can You Control Fear?
How do you get over it? How do you make it stop controlling your behavior?
The answer is simple. You don’t stop the fear. You can’t stop the fear. You don’t want to stop the fear. If you don’t feel the fear, it’s because you’re not doing anything that matters.
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If you don’t feel the fear, it’s because you’re watching the latest season of the popular HBO show (and it was really good).
Seth Godin says you “dance with the fear.”
I like the way that sounds, but it’s too abstract.
What I think is that you need to accept the fear. You need to recognize that you’re not odd or unusual to be afraid. Everyone who does anything that matters feels fear.
There are times where we tolerate a certain level of fear. Many of us get anxious when we step up in the courtroom. Most of us get anxious when we step up before a large audience. Lots of us feel the fear when we have to do something simple like make a toast at a wedding, ask someone out on a date, quit a job, or fire an employee. In those situations, the level of fear is something we accept. We do what needs doing even though we feel the fear. It doesn’t stop us.
When the fear is vastly greater in degree, we don’t even see it as fear. When the fear becomes very significant, we switch off our fear detector and go into rationalization mode. We explain our inactivity by telling one of our stories.
How to Beat Your Fear
But what happens when you tell yourself one of your stories and you know it’s just one of your stories? What happens when you know it’s fear talking? Knowing that it’s just a story and not the truth is a huge step toward doing the thing that we want to do.
Here is your plan for taking action:
- Make a list of the things you’d like to do.
- Make a list of the stories you’re telling yourself to explain why you’re not doing those things.
- Acknowledge that it’s a just a story and that it’s really fear talking.
- Do what needs doing. Dance with the fear. Act. Embrace it. Accept it. Get it done, regardless of how challenging it may be at the moment.
- Do it again.
The fear is not going to go away. It will never stop. It will never end. It is a part of doing things that matter.
Now, go do something that matters. You know what needs doing. Now is the time to make it happen. It will scare the crap out of you. You’ll be filled with trepidation. You will get it done. You will get results. Figuring out what’s holding you back is a huge step in moving forward.
