The holidays and the start of the new year spawn all sorts of emotional responses.

We feel them ourselves and we most definitely see them in our clients. People get stressed, upset, and reach their limits. They often overreact to whatever happens.

Something that might get overlooked in June becomes a huge big deal in December.

In my practice, we get upset client calls throughout this period. Upsets about children are the bulk of what we hear about, but it’s not limited to children. We get upset calls from childless clients who are reacting to some perceived slight.

The caller says something about something. We respond by offering to help. We can try to do “A” or “B”. Or—and this is often the case—there’s nothing we can do. We can’t solve the problem they present because there isn’t a legal solution or there simply isn’t time.

Then, in an entirely predictable (but usually unexpected) turn of events, we are suddenly the bad actor. Somehow, our inability to solve the problem is bigger than the problem. Somehow, the problem we were simply hearing about is suddenly rooted in whatever we just said.

You know these calls. We’ve all had these calls. They’re a nightmare. We started off sympathetic and ended up angry. It’s bizarre to watch yourself from a distance. It’s terrible, but it happens.

The key to handling these calls without ending in upset is to follow a simple, five-step approach.

1. Identify it.

You know it when you hear it. It’s a “the thing is not the thing” call. It’s not about whatever they’re calling about. It’s about something else. It’s about feeling hurt or abandoned. It’s about being lonely or sad. It’s about not having the life we dreamed about having or knowing someone else has it instead of us. See it immediately. The level of upset is usually the signal.

2. Be the person you wish you were.

As you realize it’s one of “those calls,” just give into it. You’re too busy to listen—I get it. But you’re either going to pay attention now or deal with the fallout later. You know who’d you like to be in this situation. Go ahead and be that person now. Be the kind, patient, caring person you’d be if you weren’t already in your own version of holiday overload. Don’t think of it as doing the right thing. Just think of it as doing the efficient thing. Ultimately, you’re saving yourself time and aggravation.

3. Listen.

Do the active listening thing. Hear it, rephrase it, and acknowledge the feelings. Don’t be in a rush to hang up. Just let it happen. It seems like it’s taking forever, but it’s really happening faster than you think, and you’ll soon be finished if you just give in and listen. Don’t interrupt, don’t interject, and don’t head off what you see coming. Just listen, speak it back, and hear what’s being said.

4. Be on their side.

So often these calls are about emotional pain. They’re about being slighted, being lonesome, feeling excluded, feeling isolated, or feeling hurt by the impact of the situation. Often, at this time of year, unfulfilled holiday expectations, coupled with the hurt, amplify whatever your clients are experiencing. The last thing you want to do is be on the side of whomever they feel is causing their pain. It’s best to find a way to side with your clients. Avoid taking on the position of whomever they perceive as the cause of their upset. Stand next to your clients emotionally and hold them up. Don’t let them believe you’re part of the opposition.

5. Be upset about your inability to fix it.

Express your own emotions about being able to fix things. Be distressed that there isn’t time to solve the problem. Be frustrated that there isn’t a legal remedy. Don’t take the opposing position. Stay on your clients’ side and express your agitation at being unable to do what they need done. Express your upset right along with them. Match their level of emotion if it’s even close to appropriate. One of our lawyers refers to this as joining the client on the “trip to crazy town!”

The holidays are challenging for lawyers. We have our own lives and our own emotions to process. The influx of upset clients complicates matters. Try the approach outlined above as an experiment. My hope for you is that your holidays will be a little better as a result.