“I am asking off forum because I don’t want to appear ignorant,” he said in an e-mail.

I don’t know, but I don’t want anyone to know I don’t know: that’s the message. We’ve all thought it at some point. I certainly have it racing around in my brain much of the time.

I regularly get e-mails from lawyers who aren’t willing to comment on the blog or on the Rosen Institute Forum (it’s a private, premium membership feature) because they don’t want to reveal that they need help.

But our fear of appearing ignorant is misguided. We are making a mistake.

I get it. Revealing that we don’t know is frightening. We don’t want others to know how little we know.

Not knowing makes us vulnerable. It feels like everyone else knows, so we should know. We really don’t like the way it feels when we “appear ignorant.”

It’s scary to appear ignorant. It’s the exact opposite of what we believe we’re supposed to be. We’re warriors. We’re gladiators. We’re invincible.

Vulnerability is our kryptonite. We believe that if we “appear ignorant,” we lose our power. We become lesser lawyers. Vulnerability is something we avoid at all costs.

We will do nearly anything to avoid embarrassment.

I’ve spent years of my life trying to appear smarter than I am. The lawyer cites a case, and I nod knowingly when I don’t have a clue. I bluff my way through discussions. I run back to my office to research what was said so I’ll be able to interpret what just happened. Acting like I know things is standard operating procedure for me.

But it’s a mistake. I’ve been blowing it.

I assumed people would trust me more if I “knew” things. I assumed things would go my way if people believed that I “knew” what was going on. I looked competent, in charge, and capable, and people would naturally trust me completely.

I was wrong.

Why It’s OK to Not Know Things

An essential element of building trust is being vulnerable. It’s essential to creating rapport. It’s fundamental to having people like us. I’d have been better off admitting that I didn’t know when I didn’t know.

Vulnerability is also critical to learning. It’s impossible to learn anything if we’re required to walk around all the time acting like we know everything.

Acknowledging that you don’t know doesn’t weaken you. It doesn’t reduce your impact or cause you to seem less powerful.

Acknowledging that you don’t know makes you more likable. It builds connection. Letting others in on your secret builds trust.

Incredibly, acknowledging that you don’t know gets you help. Others jump in to support you, educate you, and inform you. They’re willing to help you because they like you. Suddenly, they trust you more than they did before, and they’re on your side in helping you grow.

Trust is the currency of our business. Trust is what attracts clients. Trust is what brings judges to your point of view. Trust is what helps colleagues feel comfortable making the deal with you. Trust is what it’s all about.

I wrote about vulnerability, trust, and likability in an earlier post. Brene Brown is the expert in the field and explains how being open and vulnerable brings you closer to people. She has a great talk on the topic, and it’s included in the earlier post. Watch it if you haven’t seen it before.

A better way to ask for help is to open yourself up. It’ll feel counterintuitive. It’ll feel awkward and uncomfortable to let others know how little you know. And when they step up to help, you’ll feel so much better. You’ll see the relationship start to blossom, and you’ll feel better about what you’re learning and how you’re growing.

Appear ignorant. It’s good for you. It’s good for your practice. It’s the fast track to building trust. Before you know it, you’ll know more things, have gained more trust, and be far less ignorant.

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