She’s upset. She’s blaming you. Things aren’t going as planned.
Here’s the deal:
She works in an IT job. She’s doing very well. Her company is growing like crazy and opening a new facility on the other side of the country. She’s been offered a position in the new place, and it’s a promotion. It’s going to result in her gaining responsibility, autonomy, and a substantial increase in pay.
She and her husband divorced three years ago, and she ended up with custody of the children. The kids see their dad every other weekend and for dinner once a week.
Things have been working out pretty well between her and her ex-husband.
Now she needs to move. She talked to the former husband, and he objected. “How will I see the kids?” he asked.
She saw her dream job plan unraveling right before her eyes.
She came to you and asked for help. You explained the options and the likelihood of success. You offered to try to make the relocation happen, but you warned her that it would be challenging.
The case moved forward. You did a great job in some depositions and preliminary motions. The court date is approaching.
Last week, in a meeting to prepare for the hearing, she explained that this had to work out. She simply can’t accept losing this opportunity for promotion.
You reminded her that you had previously explained the likelihood of success and that this was going to be difficult.
She started to scream. She isn’t screaming about the situation. She’s screaming about you.
“You said you could make this happen.” “You promised me this would work out.” “You took my money and now you’re telling me things aren’t going to go my way. You lied to me.”
How do you react?
Of course, you are immediately upset, defensive, and angry. That’s not what you said. You never made these promises. If someone is lying, it’s not you.
What do you say in response to these baseless allegations?
Most of us act out our defensiveness. We respond allegation by allegation to the attack. We explain why the accuser is wrong and why we are right.
RESIST THAT URGE.
Being defensive will not solve the problem.
Go in a different direction. Let the client keep talking. GIve her room to let it out. Don’t cut her off. Don’t slow her down. Let her go and go.
At some point, she’ll likely put the pieces back together and understand that she’s blaming you inappropriately. She’ll remember that it’s the situation, not you, causing the problem.
Let her go and go and go without providing a response to her allegations. Do NOT voice your defensiveness, no matter how strongly you feel it.
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If all else fails, end the meeting. Resume on another day. There isn’t a need to respond to the allegations now. It won’t be helpful.
Where do we go from here?
In my experience, if you give the client some space and time, she’ll come around. I have these people call me on their way home and apologize. Sometimes it takes longer, but they usually come to their senses.
What about the client who doesn’t settle down?
Well, we aren’t the right fit for every client. Sometimes we’re better off, and the client is better off, if other counsel takes over the case. This might be one of those situations.
Before you refer her out, have a heart-to-heart conversation. Do it after the dust has settled and after your immediate defensiveness has cleared. Remind her of the advice you’ve been giving. Remind her of the choices she has made throughout the process. Help her assess the current status and posture of the case, and work together to find a solution that works for both of you. Often, as soon as we raise the idea of helping her find other counsel, she settles down and gets back on track. Sometimes a little reality check is necessary to get the relationship back into a productive mode.
When these situations arise, the key is to suppress your defensiveness. It’s natural. It’s understandable, but it’s totally counterproductive.
