Relationships deepen when there is mutual self-disclosure. That’s how trust grows.

You tell me about your situation with your receptionist, and I offer some advice. I tell you about how stressed I am about getting my kid into the right preschool, and you understand.

We move closer, one step at a time. I talk about the grievance I’m dealing with at the State Bar, and you mention the malpractice claim you had to deal with last year.

Eventually, we talk about my foot fungus and your challenges with your children. We might talk personal finance and anxiety about our futures. As time passes, we may go much deeper and allow one another into our lives and share our deepest concerns.

Don’t Make Any Sudden Movements

This self-disclosure process is the element that takes us from being acquaintances to business associates to friends. With self-disclosure, we have something we value. Without self-disclosure, we have very shallow relationships.

The process shouldn’t happen overly quickly in most relationships. It takes time. Sure, you may have fallen in love at first sight with your spouse, but in this universe we move a bit more cautiously. In fact, when someone discloses too much too soon, a red flag gets raised. We know there’s something off when that happens, and we usually back away.

Self-disclosure is typically an orderly process that moves level by level with reciprocity. I disclose, you disclose, I disclose, you disclose. It’s subtle, and we rarely notice that it’s happening, but it is.

No One Wants to Go First

Who goes first?

Personally, in an ideal world, my networking partner goes first. I have a hard time throwing something out there that’s inconsistent with my concept of myself as perfect. Inherently, the thing we disclose makes us less than perfect, or it wouldn’t be disclosure. We’re revealing something we’d rather keep to ourselves. Disclosing your $3,000,000 in take-home pay last year isn’t disclosure: there’s little risk, and it doesn’t make you feel vulnerable. Talking about the fact that you got hit hard by the recession and had to borrow $300,000 because you earned zip: that’s disclosure. It’s not disclosure if it makes you look good: that’s bragging.

I’d like to go through life focusing on all the wonderful things about me and discounting and disregarding the things that haven’t gone so well. I like the image of me as flawless. Unfortunately, no one else likes that image. If I’m perfect, I’m disliked. We don’t like the perfect people. We like people with flaws, issues, troubles, and concerns. We like people who struggle and sometimes fail. We like people who suffer. We like people who give it their best shot and don’t always land on their feet. We like people who are human.

It’s funny—to me anyway—that life works out this way. It seems logical to me that the more I’ve got it together, the more I’d be liked. The more I’m liked, the more I’d be trusted. It all clicks in my logic-seeking brain. It really annoys me that the opposite is true. It upsets my sense of the universe.

The fact is that the less perfect I am, the more people like me. The more they like me, the more they trust me. The more they trust me, the more they refer to me. Now I’ve got to be less perfect? Why was I trying so hard all this time? This really disturbs me at a core level, but I’ve learned the hard way that’s it’s true. No one wants to refer to perfect people.

Getting the Ball Rolling

How do you get this disclosure process started? How do you start building trust?

Unfortunately, you can’t count on your networking partner to make the first disclosure. You’ll need to take the risk. You’ll likely have to kick things off, and that’s especially true with our fellow lawyers. You’ll need to test the waters by throwing something out there and seeing whether a reciprocal disclosure makes its way out at this meeting or the next. Go easy and see what happens. Don’t go too far and let it be known that you’re off your meds. Just reveal something small—something that doesn’t present you in the best light—and see how it goes.

Sadly, you can’t be overly calculating about this process. If you come up with something that you’re comfortable disclosing, then it’s probably not the right thing. I’m totally comfortable telling you that I’m afraid of alligators. Sadly, that’s not enough to get the ball rolling. I’d have to tell you something that made me uncomfortable for it to be sufficient. I’d have to go further. It’s tricky. It has to be honest.

It’s time to let it out. You need to start the process. Work something into the conversation. Consider asking for advice as you reveal your issue, concern, or fear. Disclosure is difficult, but it’s also the beginning of your most important relationships.