He’s ripping you a new one.

He’s going berserk with the criticism.

“You did this, this, and this wrong, and if you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t be in this situation,” he says. Well, “says” isn’t really the right word. It’s not quite a scream, but it’s a very upset, hostile, angry voice, and it’s aimed directly at you. The hostility is pouring from his eyes, his mouth, his nose, and even his ears.

How do you respond?

Do You Turn Up the Volume?

What do you say?

• The temptation is to tell him to calm down.
• The temptation is to tell him to stop talking.
• The temptation is to get upset right back and tell him that no one speaks to you like that.
• The temptation is to tell him he’s wrong.
• The temptation is to tell him off, explain why you did what you did, and shove the fact that it was the right thing to do down his throat.

Oh boy, saying something angry back to his face would feel so good.

But sadly, it’s not the best response. It won’t help. You know that in your gut. You’ve known it even when you ignored it and jumped right into the fray in the past.

The best response is something you already know how to do and say. It’s something you’ve done with other upset clients and their spouses and employees and opposing counsel and family members. You were proud of yourself when you did it. You were proud to have stepped out of the conflict and made things better, not worse.

Or Do You Turn the Other Cheek?

What do you say?

It’s simple. Say things like “how so?” and “tell me more.” Do it while you nod and listen. Actively listen, reflect it back calmly, and ask for clarification. Give the upset person runway and let him or her roll slowly to a stop. Give the person the space to let it all out as you watch the energy dissipate.

You won’t make all angry people happy by giving them space, but you’ll absolutely let much of the air out of their highly pressurized balloon. You’ll reduce the upset and increase the likelihood of resolution. You’ll better understand their perspective, and you’ll have avoided escalating the situation.