It’s time for a heart to heart. Let’s talk.

You’ve been at this for five years. You’re improving, and you’re very good at what you do.

You’re handling private practice matters for clients being handed to you by the firm. You’re doing a good job, and the clients appear happy.

However, you’re aware that the work you’re doing is originated by others. You’re not getting referrals directly to you. Pretty much all the work you do comes through others.

You have a nagging feeling that something isn’t right. You believe you should be getting some calls by now. You’re right.

Yeah, if you’re in a megafirm and your clients are all Fortune 100s, then you’re not likely to have a direct call from a general counsel. That’s a different situation. The same is true if you work for the government or in some other setting away from private practice.

But if some of your clients are real people with real legal problems, you’d expect some referrals by now.

Why aren’t they passing your name along to friends and family?

When they’re in a casual conversation and somehow their legal issue comes up (and you know it does), why aren’t they recommending you? Why aren’t those friends of clients calling? What’s going on?

You’re right to be worried. This is a problem. A lack of referrals from former clients will affect your finances.

If, five years in, you’re not getting some calls (even crappy calls), then you’re doing something wrong. This isn’t supposed to happen, and it’s already affecting your career.

The Three-Step Plan to Getting Referrals

What should you do?

Step 1

First, don’t go crazy with networking. If you’re not getting referrals from existing clients, it’s important to figure out why the people who know you aren’t referring before meeting new people. Slow down and evaluate the situation. You need to figure out what’s happening that’s turning people off before you go meet more people.

Step 2

Second, get feedback. Ask some friends for input. Start with your spouse/partner and then proceed to close friends and family. Depending on the relationship, I’d also consider asking the lawyers handing you work. Explain what’s happening and ask for totally honest opinions.

What if you have no one to ask for input? Well, then the problem is obvious. It’s your personality, right? If there’s no one to ask, then your problem with people is that you have trouble with people. Maybe you alienate them, or maybe you can’t form a relationship? Only you know what’s wrong, and you probably aren’t particularly clear about the issue.

This second step—feedback—is difficult. Asking for feedback is hard for some of us. Plus, it’s hard for the other people; it’s awkward and unpleasant. Recognize that people won’t want to tell you the truth if they care about you. They don’t want to hurt your feelings. Be clear that you want to correct the problem and that there are very few people you can ask for help. Push them to be truthful.

What they say may hurt. They might mention your breath, your body odor, your appearance generally, your voice, or your clothing. They might, and this is more likely, mention your personality.

Personality comes up quite a bit in these conversations. Maybe you’re annoying (like me). Maybe you’re overly quiet and reserved (not like me). Maybe you’re contrarian (also like me). Maybe you’re just a raging asshole all the time with no redeeming characteristics of any sort (you’ll have to decide if that’s me). You likely have some unique issues that are your particular problem.

Realistically, there’s likely some significant flaw with your personality if, after five years, you’re not getting any referrals from past or current clients. Something isn’t working, and you’re not seeing it on your own. Hopefully, your friends and family are giving you some clues. You need to know where to start.

Step 3

The third step is to fix the problem.

Maybe you found something easy to fix.

• Maybe you don’t “look” like a lawyer. Great. Buy some suits, shave, and cut your hair.
• Maybe you don’t act like a lawyer. Fine. Conform to all the rules of society, get interested in golf and wine (just kidding—kinda), and volunteer to be on the board of directors of a nonprofit (and say “jurisprudence” and “pro se” often as well).
• Maybe you don’t inspire confidence “like a lawyer.” Okay; it’s harder to fix but not impossible. Consider a public speaking course, an acting course, some improv comedy experience, etc. Get out of your shell and push the limits a bit.

But, and this is more often the case, maybe you discovered that some aspect of your personality just isn’t working.

[ While I have you here, I wanted to remind you that you can get the latest articles delivered to your inbox a week before they go up on the web. Just one email per week. Sign up here. ]

• Maybe you’re not making an emotional connection with others?
• Maybe you lack empathy?
• Maybe others don’t feel like they know you so they can’t feel comfortable trusting you?

I hope you found something useful so you can get to work.

How to Fix Your Personality

The way to attack these personality issues is to talk to a counselor. That’s the best suggestion I’ve got because it works, and it worked for me (you should have met me before). If you recoiled when I made that suggestion, then you can be absolutely certain that’s the right course of action for you. Talking to a counselor will work. It’s the most direct path to correcting a personality issue (and be advised that deciding to talk to a counselor and actually doing it aren’t the same thing. It doesn’t work if you don’t go—you know who you are!).

Find a psychologist with training and experience. Find someone who has been around the block and won’t be intimidated by your lawyer persona. Find someone who deals with other lawyers and professionals regularly. Get referrals.

Make an appointment and lay it all out for the psychologist. Explain what you’d like to get out of life and why you think it’s not happening. Explain the feedback you’ve received. Get input about your objectives and clarify what you’d like to accomplish. Then get to work. Do what the psychologist recommends. Expect a struggle.

Making the changes you require won’t be an easy process, but it’s achievable. Personality is difficult to alter, but there’s no reason you can’t reinvent yours. You can be anyone you’d like to be if you apply yourself. Invest the time in counseling, and you’ll see the payoff in all aspects of your life. It won’t just be your business that grows.

What’s the Alternative?

What do you do if you’re unable to determine the cause of your challenge? What do you do if you’re unwilling to work on the problem? What if you decide the problem is not a problem you want to solve?

You keep moving forward. You play to your strengths. There are plenty of roles for lawyers who don’t/can’t/won’t generate business. You simply put yourself in a situation where referrals don’t matter.

• Maybe you work in government instead of private practice.
• Maybe you teach or run for office.
• Maybe you partner up with someone who generates more than enough business and needs help making sure the work gets done.
• Maybe you move toward a career outside of law.

There’s plenty of room for lawyers who aren’t generating new business. There may be room for you right where you are now. The key is to realistically assess your abilities, make a plan for your future based on your strengths, and compensate for any weaknesses essential to your success. The three steps outlined above will get you on the right path if your plan requires you to generate referrals.

Good luck, and get going.