I just went to lunch with a lawyer who asked me to refer him business. He explained that he was struggling a bit right now and really needs some clients. He wanted to know whether I had anyone that I might be able to refer to him.

How did I react to that request? Read on.

We lawyers get very wound up about looking like we have things under control. We’re calm, cool, and collected. We look like we’ve got it together.

This is often the case even when the wheels are totally coming off the bus. We can be in complete and total meltdown and still look good.

For many of us, our greatest fear is the fear of embarrassment. We don’t want to look bad—ever.

Unfortunately, that fear of embarrassment is a major driver and results in our being very self-sufficient. We put a positive spin on everything, and we act like we can do it all ourselves. We don’t need any help from anyone.

I suspect that, sometimes, our fear of embarrassment is behind the high rates of depression and substance abuse in our profession. I’m no expert on that topic, so I’m just speculating.

However, I do know that our fear of embarrassment is a major impediment to the growth of our practices. We hesitate to ask for help, and that’s a mistake. It’s hard to ask for help when everything is “perfect.”

I had another lunch recently, and the lawyer spent most of the meal explaining how well things were going. He told me about the stream of new business he was generating. He casually mentioned that his firm would welcome any referrals we could make. He didn’t really ask for referrals so much as let me know that I should be referring to his firm when matters arose in his niche.

Did I want to help this guy? Not at all. Mostly, I didn’t like him and didn’t have any interest in helping him. Why? We didn’t click: he was arrogant and I left lunch highly motivated to refer to someone else.

What about the guy who asked for help at the first lunch? I loved the guy for asking. He was honest and vulnerable, and I felt like I could make a difference for him. He needs my assistance, and I’m more than willing to do everything I can to help him through his difficult period. I left lunch energized about finding him some clients.

Most of us are good people who want to help. We can only help if we’re asked. If you need the business, ask for help. You’re far more likely to get what you need.