They met for lunch. She wants referrals. He has opportunities to make referrals.

He’s an experienced attorney with an established reputation. He gets calls daily from lawyers, clients, and friends looking for referrals. Sometimes they’re asking for someone to handle a speeding ticket, and sometimes they need an intellectual property lawyer. He gets a broad range of requests, and he keeps his referral list close by.

He knows that part of his value to the community is his ability to match the right lawyer with the right client.

At lunch, she asked for help. She’s growing her practice. She’d like to be the recipient of some of those referrals. This lunch is important. She wants to make a good impression. She really needs the referrals.

They got off to a good start. They’d both gone to the same law school, but 20 years apart. Even with that time gap, they’d had some professors in common. They shared their good memories of school.

Then they started chatting about the law and their practices. She wanted—needed, really—to make a good impression. She wanted to convey that she’s smart, capable, and aggressive.

That’s where it gets tricky.

The Paradox of Competence

On the one hand, she wants him to perceive her as capable and able to manage the matters he refers. On the other hand, she wants to express her need for help. If you’re so good, why do you need help? That’s the question floating around in the back of her head.

She has to balance her self-confidence with her humility. She has to ask for help without being perceived as inept and incapable. She wants to make a good impression while seeking his assistance.

It’s a tricky balance. Go too far in one direction, and you come across as cocky and unappealing. Go too far in the other direction, and you make him nervous about trusting you with his referral. It’s quite a challenge.

However, it is possible to convey a healthy balance between confidence and humility.

How to Strike the Right Balance

Recognize that there’s a distinction between being capable of handling a legal matter and being good at generating the business. You may need help finding clients but be entirely capable of solving their problems. You can be confident in your capacity to deal with the legal issues while expressing the struggle you face in finding those clients.

Ask for help. Be willing to talk about your struggle with spreading the word about your capabilities. Sharing this struggle brings you closer. It builds trust.

At the same time, make it clear that you’re ready, willing, and able to handle the cases coming your way. Be confident that you can manage the matters you accept. Be sure your confidence is rooted in knowledge. Invest the time required to know what needs knowing. Do the work, and it’ll come through.

Leave the lunch having conveyed that you’re able to do what needs doing when it comes to clients. But be clear that you appreciate any help offered to bring those clients through the door.

You want to leave your referral source feeling certain that you’re worthy of the trust he requires to make the referral and that you’ll appreciate the fact that he sends the clients your way. Balancing confidence and humility isn’t simple. It isn’t easy. It’s a lifelong struggle. It’s a never-ending exploration. Be willing to experiment. It will come together.