The fear that will really crush your success like a bug is the fear of rejection. It’s the fear of rejection that keeps you from calling someone for lunch in an effort to build your referral network. That fear will kill you dead, if you let it.

Fear can be managed, to an extent:

• You can manage your fear of heights by getting an office on the ground floor.
• You can manage your fear of dogs by barring dogs from the office (probably a good idea anyway).
• You can manage your fear of spiders by stomping on them with your shoe (or getting your administrative assistant to do it for you).

In each of these examples, you’re avoiding your fear. You’re coming up with a strategy to manage the fear without addressing the fear itself. Whether that’s a good plan from a mental health standpoint is between you and your doctor.

Fear of rejection—if it’s keeping you from networking—is a fear you won’t easily avoid. It’s going to require a more confrontational approach.

Where Lawyers Fear to Tread

The failure to build a solid referral network explains the poor performance of many practices. When the phone isn’t ringing, we usually find a lawyer afraid of rejection watching that phone and waiting for it to ring.

Most of us know the fear of rejection. When you think about calling people you don’t know and inviting them to lunch, your stomach fills with that deep sense of dread. It’s a combination of emptiness and fullness that rises up into your throat. The fear is such that you put down the phone. You find something else to do, and you move on with your day. The call never gets made.

You’ve got to address the fear. You’ve got to overcome it. It’s holding you back. It’s keeping you from achieving your dream.

How to Conquer Your Fear of Rejection

Here’s my action plan for overcoming fear:

1. Understand fear. First, let’s be clear: fear isn’t real. It’s an emotional state. Yes, there are things—bad things—that will happen. The list of painful life events is endless. We spend a huge portion of our time helping others through painful events. Those things are real. Fear isn’t real. When you’re feeling fearful, you’re suffering an imaginary pain. Some things will harm you, but fear is not one of those things. That feeling in your stomach is all in your head, and it’s not real.

2. Invite the fear in. Don’t ignore it; don’t deny it (okay, we’re in psychologist territory here). Don’t pretend you don’t have the fear. Feel it, see it, and talk about it. Don’t deny it. Acknowledging the feeling is part of getting beyond it. Instead of explaining why you don’t need to have lunch or why a particular person is a bad person to invite, just acknowledge the fear to yourself and to others involved in supporting you.

3. Determine the worst-case scenario. What’s the worst thing that can happen if your networking calls go badly? You don’t get a call back? They call you back and decline? They laugh at you? What are you worried about? What’s the most horrible thing that can happen if the calls or the lunches go horribly wrong?

4. Action is powerful. Sometimes you can get past a fear by moving quickly. Rushing down the hallway next to the atrium to the doorway gets you to safety and gets you past your fear of heights. Making the networking phone call quickly, before the dread takes over, can help get you over the hurdle. Just do it—fast.

5. Small wins lead to big wins. You need a victory. Take your assistant to lunch: small win. Ask someone you already know to lunch: small win. Ask someone you’ve met once or twice to lunch. Again, small win. These small wins dramatically reduce the fear when you’re doing something that previously gave you a sense of dread. You’ll need to repeat the small wins strategy any time the fear builds back up after a period of inactivity.

6. Get motivated. Come up with a list of reasons to generate more business for your practice. Are you saving for a vacation or retirement? Are you paying for your child’s college education? Is it important to you to build your reputation in the community? What matters to you? What motivates you?

7. Be confident in you. Most fear of rejection is about the need for the approval of others. Is your self-esteem based on the opinions of others or on your opinion of you? You’ve got to stay on top of your opinion of you as you overcome the fear of rejection. You’ll be shocked at the number of people who are actually interested in getting to know you.

8. Spend time with people who value you. A powerful antidote to the fear of rejection is spending time with people who think you’re worthy of their time. Be sure to have dinner with friends and family the night before you make some calls. Go out of your way to arrange time with the people who most enjoy being around you.

9. Have a plan for rejection. When rejection comes—and it will—be prepared for it. Will you stammer, stutter, and melt down? Or will you handle it calmly and coolly using language you’ve prepared for this very moment? “I totally understand. I really appreciate that you took the time to talk with me today. I’ll look forward to seeing you around town” will come out of your mouth smoothly as you hang up the phone. One down, and another number ready to dial as you move on to the next prospect. Rejection is just part of the game; it doesn’t end the game. It’s part of the progression toward achieving your goals.

Fear is powerful. The fear of rejection is deeply rooted in many of us. It’s a fear that keeps many from achieving their dreams. That doesn’t have to be the outcome. You can manage fear. You can overcome it. Pick up the phone, make a call, and have some lunch. Everything will be fine.