I meet lots of people as we move around the world. Many of our interactions turn into lunches or dinners so we can all get to know one another.

Most of these meals are fun. Everyone gets talking, alcohol gets introduced into the equation, and the talking gets louder. It’s all good.

We’ve met fascinating people. The people you meet in places like Cambodia aren’t your run-of-the-mill folks. If they speak enough English to have a conversation, then they’ve got some kind of interesting story we’d like to hear. It’s not a Disney World crowd. There’s almost always something unexpected coming in the conversation. It’s fun to chat with intrepid travelers.

The conversation is usually lively. Typically, it’s me and Lisa sitting across from another couple, and everyone is chatting, telling stories, and sharing ideas. It’s enjoyable.

But sometimes it doesn’t go as well. Sometimes it’s more challenging.

Sometimes it’s awkward and uncomfortable. It moves slowly. It’s more difficult, and I find myself wondering how much longer this meal will last. Of course, on those occasions, it’s nearly impossible to get the bill so we can pay and leave. It’s like the waitstaff is punishing me for something.

What Makes It Different?

Why does it go so smoothly sometimes? And why is it so unpleasant other times?

Thankfully, the difficult meals are few and far between. Thankfully, that only happens once in a while.

But it happens often enough that I’ve studied the situation, attempting to understand the key differences that distinguish the fun meals from the more difficult meals.

I’ve been collecting data. I’ve been analyzing our interactions, and I’ve come to a conclusion.

It all comes down to one thing.

There’s one difference that turns a difficult meal into a fun meal. There’s one element that makes the meal a delightful discourse rather than a difficult disaster.

When you boil it all down, there’s one difference that determines whether I like the people on the other side of the table.

My observational research and conclusion lead me to have a better time when deciding whether to invite someone to dinner. For me, figuring this out is entertaining but trivial.

For you, however, my research conclusions can prove valuable. The results of my casual study will help you have more successful and productive meetings with prospective referral sources. If you incorporate my research, you’ll find that your lunch dates are more productive because you’ll be more likable. That matters.

Let’s talk about what I’ve learned.

Here’s the deal: the difference between the fun meals and the awkward/uncomfortable meals comes down to questions.

How Questions Make the Difference

Questions make it fun. Questions keep the conversation going. Questions create a spontaneous, enjoyable, dynamic environment.

Questions are the key. They are the make-or-break difference between a good time and a dinner I can’t wait to escape.

Of course, you can show up at a meal ready to ask questions. You can do your research and prepare a list. And that’s something we do.

We come prepared with questions. We’re ready to go. We walk in ready to ask and ask. We tag team and jump in when the other is running dry. We’ve got a million questions about the other couple. We want to know about their travels, family, work, background, and more. We can keep it going all night. Our questions keep the conversation rocketing forward, and we’re pretty expert now at filling the space.

The truth is that asking questions is easy for us. We’re curious. We truly want to know. We love hearing the answers, and we inevitably spend hours later dissecting the responses. We’re together 24/7, so we’re totally jazzed to hear some new material. We listen pretty hard.

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The other couple usually looks like they’re having a good time responding to our barrage. The focus is on them, and it’s usually obvious that they’re enjoying the interaction as they tell their tales. Good.

What Makes an Interaction Exceptional

But are we having fun?

That depends. Typically, we have a decent time regardless. Just asking the questions and listening to the answers keeps us entertained. But sometimes we leave having had an exceptional experience. We leave thinking, “We loved those people.”

The difference?

We love them when they ask us questions too. We have a much better time if the question answering is mutual. When they seem as interested in us as we are in them, then we feel much more positive about the interaction. Their questions have a significant impact on how much we like them and how much we enjoy the meal.

There’s a positive correlation between the number of questions they ask and our positive feelings toward them. The more questions they ask, the more we like them. I don’t think we’re unusual. I don’t think we’re any different than most of the people you take to lunch. People like answering questions, and we do too. It feels good to have someone else interested in you. It builds connection and trust. It helps people like you.

When you go to lunch with a referral source, you need to ask questions. The questions need to come from a place of curiosity. You need to be interested in the answers, and you should pay careful attention to what’s said. The first question gets the ball rolling. Subsequent questions need to flow from the answers. Questions are the key distinction between a fun lunch and an awkward lunch.

You’re far more likely to get referrals as a result of the relationship that develops from a fun lunch. The awkward lunch isn’t likely to lead to anything except the end of the awkward lunch (which can’t come soon enough). Ask questions. Be curious. Be interested and listen.