He’d been in the country for a number of weeks, with plans to leave for Jordan soon. We had just arrived (from Jordan, coincidentally).

His mother assumed we would be useful to one another. She thought we could swap stories and advice.

My friend’s son is a law student. He is also smart, good looking, articulate, sensitive, and young, so the law was pretty much the only thing we had in common. I liked him anyway.

He talked about art and history and life philosophies. I made fart jokes.

He has some great stories, but he travels differently from us. He’s a student with a budget. We’re old and our budget is bigger.

He’s athletic and fit. We’re lazy (well, I shouldn’t speak for Lisa) and less fit.

He enjoys meeting people in hostels. We usually avoid people by staying in fancy hotels.

We’re each traveling in our own style. He likes his method; Lisa and I enjoy ours. I don’t think either of us would swap places. He’s having fun traveling his way. We’re having fun our way.

We had some destination-specific tips for one another, but neither was a great source of advice. Our lifestyles were just too different.

Nevertheless, Advice is Important

Advice is valuable. It often saves us wasted time and effort.

That’s especially true when it comes to running and growing our practices.

It’s important to ask for advice. Lots of advice. You can always choose to ignore it.

Unfortunately, lawyers hesitate to ask for advice when it comes to the practice of law.

We fear that asking for help makes us appear ignorant, weak or clueless. But that isn’t the reality.

Asking for advice has the opposite effect. It makes us seem likable, approachable, and strong.

People (lawyers especially) love giving advice. When someone listens to their opinions, nods appropriately, and thanks them appreciatively, they glow. The advisor leaves the conversation thinking highly of the advisee.

Asking for advice is win/win. You get potentially valuable insights to add to your pool of information. They get an attentive, admiring audience.

We all think that we’re really smart, so when people ask us what we think, we assume they’re geniuses for realizing our intelligence. You can use this to your advantage if you think of advice as a kind of tactical flattery.

However, be cognizant of the source of the advice.

My law student friend had good input, but his way of approaching the world limits his usefulness for our type of travel. I’m sure he felt the same way about our advice.

Get help from those in a position to give it. Choose carefully.

“Never ask advice of someone with whom you wouldn’t want to trade places.” That’s what Darren Hardy said in his book, The Compound Effect.

That’s good advice.

Would you trade places with your junior associate colleague? Would you trade places with a struggling lawyer? Would you trade places with the placement director at the law school?

So before you act on someone’s advice, think hard about whether you’d swap places with that person.

I’ve got single friends who ask their single friends for advice on finding a marriage partner. Bad plan.

I’ve got married friends who ask their single friends for advice on marriage. Another bad plan.

I’ve watched struggling lawyers ask other struggling lawyers for advice on growing their law practices. A really, really bad plan.

You get the idea.

You might remember the story from several years ago about a blogger who used a series of trades to swap a paperclip for a house. Make sure you’re the one who ends up with the house, not the paperclip.

Why Do We Ask the Wrong People?

Sometimes we know we’re asking someone who doesn’t know the answer. We don’t really want the answer.

If you find yourself requesting advice from someone you wouldn’t trade places with, ask yourself what’s really going on.

What do you want? Why are you asking for advice?

Do you really want help, or do you want something different?

Are you seeking guidance, or affirmation? Are you asking because you want to feel better about your situation?

Are you looking for sympathy or moral support? Or something else?

Erica Jong, a famous American author, once said, “Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn’t.”

Too often, I find that’s true for me. When I don’t want to do something hard, unpleasant, or emotionally difficult, I seek an alternative. I try to wriggle my way out.

Instead of plunging into the problem headlong, I look for diversions, alternatives, and options.

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Ask for advice, but do so with a clear mind. Understand what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and what you’ll do with the answers.

How to Get Good Advice

It’s important to remember, though, that the right advice, from the right person, at the right time, can make all the difference.

Here’s how to get what you need from the conversation.

1. Pick Carefully

Spend as much time (or more) researching the person you plan to ask for advice as you spend formulating your questions. This pays off in two ways:

First, you’ll reject some candidates before you approach them. Good research helps you identify the most qualified individual.

Second, the other person will appreciate that you’ve studied them. They’ll understand that you prepare, work hard, and haven’t come to them on a whim.

That’ll get you better answers and open the door to a long-term relationship.

2. Try to Answer Yourself

Once you’ve researched a person, stop.

Research your questions on your own. Look harder for the answers.

Do you really need this advice, or could you just spend some time reading reference materials or searching Google?

Asking for help with something you could have figured out on your own is pointless, and maybe even counterproductive. Try to solve your own problems first. Save the requests for help for the big problems you can’t solve.

3. Explain Who You Are

Asking for advice without properly introducing yourself, providing some detail and background, and helping the other party understand the context of your request makes it likely you’ll be rejected.

Whether you approach someone by phone, by email or in person, you need to set up the request properly.

Briefly introduce yourself, explain the nature of your inquiry, request a limited amount of time and attention, and give the other person the option to decline your request.

Certainly, getting an introduction from someone already in a relationship with the other person is preferred. But that’s not always possible and it’s not essential.

4. Flattery Works

Flattery may seem shallow and insincere, but it still works.

Telling a speaker how much you enjoyed the speech works. Telling another lawyer how you admire their reputation works. Telling someone what good taste they have in clothing works too.

Don’t hesitate to butter up your potential advisor a little. Humans like being told how well they’re doing.

5. Value Their Time

When approaching someone with a request for advice, express the value you place on their time.

Don’t ask for more than they’re willing to give. Start small. Ask for a few minutes instead of pushing for a lunch. Let them know you’re prepared with specific questions.

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Convey that you’ve done your preparation by learning about them and the topic. Short discussions have the potential to go long, but don’t push. Let the discussion and the relationship evolve.

There’s no telling where this connection might lead. Advice might prove to be the starting point for something bigger.

6. Be Specific

Be ready with narrow, focused, specific questions.

A bad question is “How can I be successful?”

Good questions are well-prepared and ask for concrete answers. Explain the specific challenge you’re facing and ask for suggestions.

Broad, vague, general questions are tough to answer. But specific questions like “How did you first convince a District Court Judge to appoint you as Guardian when you had no experience?” works.

That’s something specific that can be addressed. Go narrow your request and prepare a list of questions that can be answered.

7. Make it Convenient

When seeking advice, make it convenient for the other person. Be open to whatever works for their agenda, schedule, and location.

Approaching someone at the end of a talk might lead to drinks at the bar in the conference hotel, but that might not be what the speaker needs to wind down from the speech.

Be open and flexible with your request. Do the same if you’re emailing. Make it clear that you’re available for anything – 10 minutes at their office, a call, coffee, lunch, or whatever they like.

This is about fitting into their schedule so you’re less likely to be rejected.

8. Ask “Is There Anything Else?”

Once you’ve worked through your specific questions, be sure to ask “Do you have any other advice for me?” Or “Is there anything else that’s important that we haven’t talked about?”

The answer might be a quick and simple “Nope.” But you might get more – much more.

When I’m asked for advice, I’m frequently struck by something I want to say that doesn’t specifically answer the questions I’m asked. I don’t want to offer unsolicited advice, so I usually hold back.

That open-ended question gives me permission to let it rip. More often than not, it’s in that final answer that I deliver the most value.

9. Give Thanks

You’re getting good advice, a valuable chunk of time, and substantial personal attention. So say “Thank you.”

Do it as the discussion concludes, but do it again on a personal note. A gift might also make sense.

Be alert for opportunities to do something your new mentor would appreciate. Giving gifts is never easy if it’s done properly.

Look for something to demonstrate that you were listening, you did your research, and you’re grateful. Getting it just right will be hard, but valuable.

Advice Might Spark a Relationship

Advice is powerful. It’s a shortcut. It’s a relationship builder. It makes you better. Pick the right person – that person with whom you’d trade places – and ask.

Asking for advice will sometimes launch a new relationship. It’s a strong way to start.

You don’t have to automatically be annoying when you ask for help. In fact, you might actually boost someone’s ego, if you go about it in the right way.

For us mentors, helping you out can be a nice break. Sometimes it serves as a distraction from our own problems. It leaves us feeling better for having made a contribution.

When we’ve given advice, we’re more likely to feel compelled to support you going forward. Suddenly we’ve got skin in the game. We’re on your team and invested in your success.

That’ll serve you well as you continue to grow. Ask for advice. There’s no telling where it might lead.