Sometimes I wait to ask my question. I’ll wander up after the speaker is finished and wait for the line to dwindle. I’ll wait until everyone else has asked his or her questions, and then I’ll slowly approach to ask mine.

Once in a while, I get into this strange, overly polite battle of wills with someone else waiting. We’ll both stand on our heels and hold back. I might grant the other permission to go first, but he’ll tell me it’s okay with him for me to go first. We’re both holding out, hoping to ask without others listening.

It reminds me of these weird two-person bike races I’ve seen on TV where the cyclists spend time practically standing still on the track as they wait for the other to take the lead. They want to be in the drafting position behind the other cyclist to save energy. They each wait for the other to take off so they can follow. It’s bizarre.

I don’t like asking questions in front of others.

My mind races. What if my question reveals that I missed the point? What if my question reveals that I’m not smart enough to get it? What if it’s a question that makes me look stupid?

So I wait until the end. I hope for a chance to look stupid to only the speaker instead of a larger crowd.

Fear of Embarrassment Is a Powerful Force

It motivates us to do some things. It motivates us not to do other things. Maybe our fear of embarrassment protects us sometimes? Maybe it’s deeply rooted in something physiological. Maybe, somehow, it’s a good thing.

But it’s not good when I see it in action.

The fear of asking questions hurts us:

• It causes lawyers to stay quiet when we don’t understand.
• It keeps lawyers from throwing out creative ideas that might get shot down.
• It slows lawyers from acting first because we’ll stand out from the crowd.
• It pushes us to do things we’d rather not do because everyone else is doing it.
• It forces us to conform even when it’s against our emotional, financial, or personal interests.

Fear of embarrassment comes up most often for me when I ask for questions during my programs. Lawyers sit silently and look blankly at me.

Then we adjourn for a break. Suddenly, the lawyers are waiting to talk to me. Or, after we finish for the day, they suddenly want to chat. They want to sit at the bar, go to dinner, or e-mail me with the question that could have been asked at the program.

Sadly, the program would have been better if they’d asked. Others would have heard my answer, and it would have applied to them as well. Others would have been stimulated by the question that’s one step ahead of them and realized what was coming down the road. Others would have benefited by seeing things from the questioner’s perspective.

I’ll be doing two workshops in October. I’m hoping I get lots of questions. If you come, be sure to ask questions, okay?

Why You Shouldn’t Wait

Here’s one really interesting thing about the questions I get. The lawyers who ask dumb questions—and, come on, we all know there are a few dumb questions, so let’s not do the “no dumb questions” thing—those dumb question lawyers never hesitate. They pipe right up. They ask a million questions. Well, maybe I shouldn’t have said that, huh? That probably wasn’t helpful.

But the smart questions come from lawyers like you. The lawyers who hesitate, who deliberate, and who worry about asking are the lawyers with the really interesting questions that the group is dying to ask.

The fact that you’ve got some reluctance to ask is a sign that you’re about to ask a really good question. Those questions I get in the bar, the restaurant, or via e-mail after the program is over are always great questions. I always wish they’d been asked during the program.

But it’s not just me who loses out when you hesitate to ask.

It’s you.

Those of us who hesitate to ask questions end up not knowing or worse. When I didn’t ask, I’d often end up deciding on what the answer must be instead of getting the right answer. I then find out later—sometimes too late—that my assumption was wrong. I could have saved lots of time and money had I properly understood before taking action. Not asking is expensive, is painful, and has all sorts of unexpected consequences.

What I’ve Learned From My Wife’s Questions

We go on guided tours sometimes when we travel. We’re especially fond of the food tours. My wife asks questions—lots of questions. Many of them are smart, good questions, but once in a while, she asks a dumb one. Sometimes people giggle at the questions. Sometimes even the guide will laugh. But that doesn’t slow her down. She keeps asking, keeps learning, and keeps getting maximum value out of the tour. Of course, she’s not burdened by the mind-set of being a lawyer. She’s a writer. She’s not plagued by our fear of embarrassment.

And here’s what’s really interesting about her asking questions.

She frequently has other guests on the tour thank her for asking. And she makes friends. It’s fairly common for us to end up out to lunch or dinner with people she met on her tours. The questions, dumb and smart, make her more approachable, likable, and human. People like her more, not less, when she asks her dumb questions.

When she asks questions, she learns more, grows more, and gets more value—plus, she makes friends. She’s not letting fear of embarrassment stand between her and her objectives. There’s a lesson in that.

You’ll get the same benefits when you face the fear of embarrassment. You’ll learn more, grow more, and get more value. You might even make more friends. Don’t let the fear hold you back. Go ahead and ask your question.