The biggest mistake lawyers make when networking is talking too much. Specifically, the biggest mistake is that we talk about ourselves way more than we should. I’m a pretty big offender.

I can talk about myself for hours. It’s one of my favorite activities. If you love it as much as I do, you should know a secret.

There’s a place where you can go and talk about yourself for hours. Someone will be there to listen to you. He or she will pay rapt attention and soak up every fascinating word you say. It’s fantastic.

This special place is called “therapy.” You’ll pay your therapist about $150 per hour to listen to you blather on. You’ll love it.

Networking is not therapy. This is not the place for ceaseless talking.

The Two Ingredients of a Successful Lunch

By taking people to lunch, you’ll quickly learn that the people who really like you are almost always the people you listened to the most. Think about it: who do you like more, the guy who talked the whole time or the guy who asked you good questions and was interested in your answers? Your job at a referral source lunch primarily requires two things: nodding and chewing. Chew a lot. Talk a little. In fact, you should talk only as much as required to give your partner a chance to chew.

Keep these two principles in mind:

• If you want to be good at networking, be good at listening.
• An interested introvert is a better networker than an interesting extrovert.

Come to your networking lunch well prepared to ask questions. If you can’t think of anything to ask, then you’re either ill prepared or completely narcissistic. We’ve already covered lots of ideas for questions. You should have a long list.

Why You Should Be All Ears

Should you really listen or just pretend to listen?

You have two things to accomplish with your listening.

1. You need to look for opportunities to pay it forward. More on that soon.
2. You need to listen for data to record after lunch. You’re going to be having many, many more meetings with the person sitting across the table. You don’t want to repeat the first meeting over and over again at every meeting for the next 40 years. You need to listen for important data so you can write it down after lunch.

What should you be listening for?

• What is the spouse’s name? Figure out how long they’ve been married.
• What are the names and ages of the kids?
• What’s the work history?
• Where did he grow up?
• What did her parents do? Are they living?
• What are the big issues in his life?
• What are his worries, concerns, and anxieties?

You need to capture the story and record it so you’re up to speed when you start the next lunch.

You should be listening so hard that it hurts. You should feel like you’re memorizing information required to ace a final exam. Listen, listen, and listen some more. Engage with the incoming information. Think about what’s being said. Ask clarifying questions. You’re going to be quizzed on this, so you’d better be paying attention.

Help People; Don’t Sell People

What about paying it forward? Listen for opportunities to help as the conversation progresses.

• She says, “I just finished a remodel on my house, and the roof is leaking.” Do you know a good roofer? Do you know a good lawyer who sues contractors?
• She’s helping her mother move into an assisted-living facility. Do you know a good estate planner? Or someone in the moving business?
• Her son is looking for an internship in government. Do you know a legislator, a member of Congress, or an assistant to the governor who can help?

Your relationship will grow stronger if you’re listening for opportunities to help and doing what you can to assist.

Listen first; don’t jump in immediately and start solving problems. If you do that, you’ll be talking, not listening. This is about gathering data. Listen for places where you can be of service, but don’t offer to help just yet. You’ve got 30 years to assist, and right now you’re building the relationship. This is about gathering and processing information, not action. Remember, the more you listen, the more you’ll be liked. Just listen.

Invariably, of course, your networking partner will ask about you. It’s okay to talk about yourself, but determine whether the question is of the obligatory type (you asked me, so I have to ask you) or is sincerely asked out of curiosity. Regardless, keep your answer short and sweet and wait for follow-up questions. The only truly essential information you need to convey is that required to refer business to you. Keep it simple. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to talk if you hit it off with your partner and take the relationship to the next level.

It’s tempting to ask for business. It’s not necessary or important. Avoid asking for business, especially early in the relationship. Making a referral to you is an act of trust. Give trust a chance to build by getting to know one another. Certainly, you’re in a hurry to build your practice. Realistically, however, this is a long-term project, and you’re better off investing your time in relationships that last a very long time instead of trying to shortcut trust and going for the quick payoff. Give trust time to blossom. This is not the time to sell. This is the time to connect.

Remember, listening is the key to this first meeting. Ask good questions, sit back, and take it all in. That’s your assignment for lunch.