The employee knows what we’re doing, why we’re doing it, and what we’re trying to achieve. The employee bought into our vision, joined us on the journey, and appeared committed to reaching our destination. We’re a team, right? We’re all in it together.

But this key employee is jumping off. She knows the what and the why and still she decided it was time to leap in a different direction. Does she see something we’re missing? Does she know something we don’t? Is she sensing a shift in the momentum? Is she jumping off because she feels the uncertainty? It makes us question the rightness of our path.

The departure feels like rejection

One of my lawyer friends lost a key employee last week. He felt abandoned. He wondered if he’d been doing it all wrong. He felt uncertain, disoriented, confused. Why would anyone want to leave our juggernaut? If he’s right, she must be wrong. But what if she’s right?

Our law firms are nothing but a collection of people wrapping themselves around an idea. When any of those people question the vision, express their doubt, act inconsistently with the beliefs we thought we shared, it’s distressing. It feels, for a moment, as if the whole structure is unraveling.

An employee departure can be difficult. It reeks of rejection. It feels like a kick in the stomach. Even when it’s a terrible employee who’s leaving and we have wished daily that they’d leave on their own so we don’t have to fire them, it’s still hard to see them go.

Expect it, be strong, it’s coming

Realistically, though, they’re all leaving. Everyone is a volunteer. Even if you manage to keep them forever, forever isn’t forever. We are all volunteers. We are all temporary help.

There’s value in having a realistic understanding of the tenure of your team members. They truly are all leaving, eventually, but you should strive to keep them forever. It’s that striving that is the way to build your vision so that it’s stronger, so that it’s lasting, so that it sustains you and everyone with you for a long, long time.

Yes, you should behave in a manner that works to keep every employee. There is tremendous value in retaining your team. Experience matters. Camaraderie matters. Comfort matters.

Sometimes it’s better if they go

But there are limits.

You should strive to retain every employee, but:

• Don’t compromise the system to keep one person, unless the system is wrong.
• Don’t compromise your values.
• Don’t make others miserable.

Sometimes it really is best if the employee leaves. It’s tempting to react to the announced departure by trying to convince the employee to stay. My experience is that convincing someone to stay is nearly always a mistake. It often results in compromises you will come to regret, and it usually ends up simply delaying the departure until a not-so-distant later date. When they want out, they want out–let them go.

Save your persuasive energy for the employees who are still on the team. They’re going to need a boost to feel good about staying when their teammate decides to depart. A departure causes the remaining team members to question their decision to stay. This is when you need to reinforce their decision to stay.

Here’s how to keep the best

I’ve lost lots of employees over the years, so here are some things I’ve learned about how to keep the good ones:

1. Share the vision

It all starts with your vision. Where are you going? What is it going to look like? What are you building? If you can’t yet see it, then this is where you need to start. Until the vision is so vivid that it feels to you like it has already happened, you’re not ready to start sharing it. Get clear.

Are you able to articulate your vision for your team? Can you describe it as effortlessly as you can the plot of your favorite movie? Can you explain why it matters not just to you, but to everyone involved? Are they hearing what you’ve said? Are you willing to say it over and over again for years? Don’t expect others to read your mind. You have to be able to make it as real for them as it is for you.

Your vision should excite you. It needs to get your juices flowing so you can use that energy to inspire others. The vision serves as the foundation for everything your team does each day.

There are easier ways to make money than practicing law. There are easier ways to make an impact than what you’re doing. You chose this career because the outcome is worth the effort, and you’re doing what nobody else had the vision or the resolve to do. If you’re just doing the managerial equivalent of punching the clock, you can’t expect any better from your team.

When your team shows up in the morning, they come to do their best. That can only happen if they know where you’re headed, why you’re going in that direction, and what difference it’ll make when you and your team arrive at the destination.

2. Assume the best–give them the benefit of the doubt

They don’t come to work to screw you. That’s not why they keep showing up every day, even if it sometimes feels that way. They show up to do their best, get the work done, and make a contribution. When there is a mistake, it’s just that–a mistake, not a conspiracy to have you disbarred.

Assume they’re giving it their best and that mistakes happen sometimes, even when they do their best. It’s possible–even likely–that someone else would make the same mistakes, or worse.

Certainly there will be employees who can’t cut it and will have to be made available to the competition. But while they work for you it’s best to assume they’re giving it their all, and this is what they’ve got. Coach them instead of criticizing them. Catch them doing something right, instead of focusing on what they’re doing wrong. Give them the feedback they need to keep getting better, so that they can become the employee you knew they could become.

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3. Trust them

Trust is powerful. When your team feels trusted they rise to the occasion. When they feel you peering over their shoulder, questioning their work, they learn to rely on you to catch their errors.

Let them walk the tightrope without a net. Yep, sometimes they’ll splatter on the pavement. But the employees who survive will become faster, more adept, and will share your commitment to the vision. Sure, it’s scary when they’re out there on the rope all alone–it’s scary for them, too. But you can’t get it all done alone, and trust is the only way to leverage yourself for achieving the goal.

4. Give them permission to do it their way

You are not always right. If you don’t believe me, just do a brief review of the history of your mistakes. Your team aren’t always right either. But sometimes they’ll have a better idea, a faster way to get it done, a more efficient and effective solution to that tricky problem.

Let them go. Let them do it better. Let them make their own mistakes. Let them deliver in ways you never saw coming.

Trusting them to modify the system on the fly is very difficult for many of us. But when you require your team to follow your instructions to the letter, no matter what, they’ll ultimately make more mistakes. Our systems can’t anticipate every situation. We need the team to be able to freelance when it’s required. They need to know we’ll support them in their decisions and in doing it the way they deem best under the circumstances.

Give them some latitude, grant them the discretion to use their judgement, give them the authority to make the call so that it gets done right when the circumstances require a different approach.

5. Teach them to help them grow

Children are annoying much of the time. So are some of your employees. But they won’t get smarter, better, or more capable without your input. You’ve got to either educate them or send them to school. You’ve got to train them and provide feedback and guidance. You’ve got to review their work and help them grow.

Yes, you feed them (in the case of children), pay them (in the case of employees), and you should reasonably expect perfection in return. I can totally empathize with that perspective.

But children don’t learn it all on their own, nor do employees.

Feeding (or paying) them won’t automatically result in performance improvement. You’ve got to create an environment where learning is valued and encouraged. You’ve got to create circumstances where getting better is expected and rewarded.

6. Be proud of them

Most of the time they get it right. Brag about them. Praise them. Tell your mama about the great team you’ve got.

Give them credit for all of it. When someone praises you, turn it into praise for the team. When a client gives you a five-star review on Google, thank the client and give complete credit to the team. When the Rotary Club host thanks you for the great speech, explain that it was your team who made it happen. When the judge praises your preparation, turn it back to your team.

It’s not just giving credit that matters. They’ll see through it if you say it without conviction. You need to believe it. Focus on what they’re doing right and let that dominate your thoughts. See their success and let the victories permeate your thoughts. You can easily be proud of them when you focus on the big and small achievements of each day.

7. Be even more proud if they leave

Forgive them, let it go, don’t hold a grudge. They wouldn’t be where they are now without you. Take credit for raising them up, helping them grow, and giving them the skills, confidence, and attitude required to take on their new role.

It’s tempting to be angry. But forgiveness is a better path to follow. You’re the only person harmed by your anger. Anne Lamott said that “not forgiving is like drinking rat poison, and then waiting around for the rat to die.” She’s right. I know forgiving is hard, and a departing employee can trigger intense, emotional reactions.

Emotions are complicated. I don’t always understand why I feel the way I feel, nor am I always proud of my feelings, or my thoughts. That’s especially true regarding former employees. They are a living, breathing, persistently present form of irritation to my psyche.

Taking credit for their success, at least in my mind, is a powerful antidote. I’ve got a handful of former associates who’ve grown very successful businesses. While they may not realize it–yet–they owe it all to me. At least, that’s what I tell myself. Same for the employees who have gone on to amazing jobs in other industries and made tons of money–yep, all me.

All kidding aside, a well-placed alumni network of former employees is a powerful base of referral sources and connections, and they’ll serve to enhance your reputation. Their advancement and success are a positive reflection on your tutelage.  Being proud of these folks serves you well. Take credit in your mind, give them credit with your words, and benefit from their success as they continue to grow.

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8. Give them a place they will want to stay

Make it hard for them to decide to leave. Give them the kind of environment that generates emotional attachment. You want them to feel that there will be an empty place in their heart if they don’t get to connect with the rest of the team each morning.

Make your place the best place to stay. Treat them well, reward them generously, give them the salary, benefits, holidays, attention, and compassion they need in a place of work.

It’s your job to be certain they understand what’s expected, have the tools they need, and receive praise on a regular basis. You’ve got be sure they are learning and growing, they know their opinions are heard, and they know someone in authority cares about them. You’ve got to foster a community where they have friends, feel part of something bigger than themselves, and believe the rest of the team is also committed to the mission.

9. Communicate with them each day

There is simply no substitute for direct, overt, constant communication. It’s how you keep people plugged in, connected, attached, productive, and loyal.

Use your communication time to share the vision, encourage positive behaviors, identify issues and concerns, and provide feedback.

Someone should touch base with each team member each day. Some of those communications need to come in the form of doors that are open to receive rather than disseminate information.

“What’s up?” is a short, quick, powerful question that asks for input instead of telling the team member what to do. Finding out what’s up–especially when it’s not good–might not be what you want to hear in a particular moment, but asking and listening to the response is a key part of keeping your team together.

Communication doesn’t count if it’s one-way. It’s not communication if you’re giving instructions and dictating the conversation. It only counts if it’s two-way. You’ve got to be giving and receiving. Both parties need to be talking as well as listening. Giving an employee work instructions or providing feedback about the work product is not the kind of communication that results in employee retention. If you’re not listening, then you’re not really communicating.

10. Be respectful of their uniqueness

Each person brings something different to the law firm. There is always someone who stands out. They’re unique in some unexpected, special, amazing way. Respect it. Don’t change it. Don’t pound it out of them. Let it flourish. That person may be the impetus for the change your team makes in the world.

It’s tempting to identify the outlier, the one who lags in one way or another, and focus on that person, because they’ve become the problem to be solved when they assume that role on the edge of the continuum that is the team. They only need fixing if you insist on the team becoming more homogenous. When you’re open to diversity of thought, action, opinion, belief and more, then those folks aren’t the problem–they’re the solution. They’re the part of the team that stretches the range.

The weird one is not the ugly duckling, the weakest link, or the problem. The weird one may be the solution. Respect their uniqueness and let it strengthen your team.

Communicating with your team involves listening at a high level. Hear what’s being said, retain it, file it away in your brain, and use what you learn to advance the conversation in each interaction. Learn about team member passions, interests, families, and activities. Each employee has their own agenda for their life. Discover it.

They’re going to leave anyway

Doing everything I’ve suggested won’t stop them from leaving. They really are all leaving eventually. There’s no sense holding firmly to the idea that everyone should stay forever.

But you can encourage them to stay longer. You’ll succeed some of the time. It’s worth it, because it’s through these people that your business vision will come to fruition. Without their help you’ll struggle to get where you’re going.

When someone leaves, often without giving much notice, it’s demoralizing. It cuts to the core of what we stand for and it undermines our confidence. We’d like everyone to share our sense of the importance of what we’re doing. We’d like everyone to join us on this journey, and we’d like to move forward together. It hurts when someone chooses to go a different way. It gets easier as it happens repeatedly over time, but it never gets easy. It’ll always hurt.

Your internal response is under your control

Leadership is about communicating the vision, creating a team capable of executing on the vision, and giving the team the resources they need to make it happen. Doing all of that is tough enough without members of the team leaving midway through the journey. Be ready for it.

Resilience is critical when someone leaves. You’ve got to be able to talk to yourself in a way that keeps you moving forward. You’ve got to be able to speak–and demonstrate–your commitment to the remaining members of the team. You’ve got to believe in your vision so powerfully that it will sustain you even when you find yourself wondering if you’ve made the right decisions.

Have conversations with yourself now, in anticipation of departures, so you’ll be ready when it happens. Talk to yourself about the value of the mission you’re on and accept that the departures are simply part of the evolution of any business. People come and people go, and that’s normal. Prepare yourself.

The departure of a key employee feels like a critical juncture. It causes many of us to question the wisdom of our choices. It fills us with doubt. It triggers our abandon-ship reflex when we need to redouble our commitment. It’s normal to feel some doubt when it happens. But it’s a key part of leadership to stick to the vision, to press on, to double down and lead the rest of the team forward toward the vision.

When someone leaves, be ready to step up and fill the void. Remember that your team feels a tremor when one of the group separates. Communicate the vision again and again. Express your pride in the departing employee. Reiterate the value of the special environment you’ve created. Use those conversations you had with yourself earlier to reassure yourself now, and to keep leading your team.

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