“It feels like everything I say matters now,” she said.

She’s right. Words matter. They are our most powerful tool.

There comes a point when everything you say matters.

For most of us, that point is at the very beginning of our professional lives. For some, it comes even earlier. Unfortunately, most of don’t realize it for quite some time. Some of us never see the power and impact–productive and destructive–of our words.

They are listening

The employees are listening. In the early days we want to think of them as friends. They’re our helpers, we’re on the team together, and we’re building something great. But the reality is that we can fire them. They are naturally hyper-sensitive to our words.

Everything you say matters.

The clients are listening. You’ve witnessed it when they’re confused by your friendly banter with opposing counsel. They see how you treat your staff. They judge you based on what you say to the young guy delivering the sandwiches during the lunch break in the deposition.

Everything you say matters.

The referral sources are listening. They’re paying attention when you make a snide remark about a competing lawyer. They’re listening when you make an off-color joke. They’re hearing your tone when your words are arrogant, self-important, and superior.

Everything you say matters.

The people coming and going through your office–the courier, the coffee guy, the UPS person–they hear you as they pass through. They’re assessing you, judging you, deciding how they feel about you.

Everything you say matters.

Your reputation is your fault

The words you say, the way you say them, the tone you use, the attitude you transmit–it all matters now.

Others are deciding who you are, what you’re about, and whether you’re worthy of their trust. That’s what they’re doing while they listen.

You’re no longer just a law student in the law library.

You’re no longer just a neighbor in the neighborhood.

You’re no longer just a softball player on the team.

You’re no longer just the anonymous driver who can gesticulate wildly and yell something out the window, or the upset shopper who can curse at the clerk, or the agitated fan who can yell at the umpire.

Everything you say matters.

You’re on stage 24/7/365 plus leap days

When we take a call during a client meeting, the client is listening. When we step out into the hall so we can have some privacy, the team is listening. Even when the hall is empty, the person on the other end of the line is listening. Everything you say matters.

When we’re whispering to our child at swim practice, another parent is likely listening too. Of course, the child is (hopefully) listening as well. The child probably repeats what we said to the next kid in line on the relay team. Some of the other parents pass along our words as well. Everything you say matters.

When you speak to a colleague at lunch in a local restaurant, the people at the next table are listening. So is the waitperson. So is your lunch date. So is the person you jumped ahead of at the door to the restaurant when you wanted to get in first, and the young woman who was in the next stall while you took a call in the restroom, and the nearly invisible young man who clears your table while you continue to talk. Everything you say matters.

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What we say on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Youtube, Snapchat, iMessage, Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, Telegram–yep, everything you say matters.

The things they hear from you are who you are

I know a lawyer who has made some mistakes with the words he uses about race. People think he’s a racist. Maybe he is.

I know a lawyer who has made some mistakes with words about his staff. People think he’s an arrogant asshole. Maybe he is.

I know a lawyer who has made some mistakes with the words he uses about politics. People think he’s an intolerant and intolerable human. Maybe he is.

I’ve made mistakes too. I wish I could retract some things I’ve said. I wish I could take it back.

I wish I had known that everything I say matters

I wish I hadn’t been as quick to gossip.

I wish I hadn’t shared my opinions so easily.

I wish I hadn’t judged others so harshly without really thinking.

I wish I hadn’t used that word, made that joke, or assumed the people around me knew it was sarcasm.

Everything you say matters.

It doesn’t really matter unless it matters

When I talk about the impact of our words, some lawyers get defensive. Their defensiveness is less about the importance of their words; they get it. But the hyper-vigilance I’m suggesting is burdensome. They can’t bear the idea of worrying about the impact of everything they say. It exhausts them just to think about watching themselves that closely.

It’s a choice.

You don’t need to worry about your words if you’re not worried about your future.

You can say whatever you like, to whomever you like, in front of whomever you like, without considering the impact, if you don’t care about your career. You’re free to choose.

But if you care–if you have a plan for yourself–then everything you say matters. They’re listening. They’re paying attention. The people around you will know you by your words.

Yes, this is hard. Living in a world where everything you say matters is stressful. It truly is exhausting.

But it also happens to be the reality of our world. They are watching, they are listening, they are judging.

Everything you say matters.

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It’s who you wanted to be

You wanted to matter. You wanted people to listen. You wanted to be important, and have some control.

Now you’ve got it. You’ve arrived. You’re living the dream.

But sometimes you’ve got low blood sugar, or the dog crapped on the carpet, or your mother called. Sometimes you’ve been arguing with your partner, or the judge ruled wrong, or the client refuses to listen. Sometimes it’s just a bad day: the words come out wrong and your listener hears something you didn’t mean to convey.

Yep, you matter. People listen. You’re important. You’ve got some control.

Slow down, think, hear what you’re going to say before you say it. Don’t blurt. Speak carefully, thoughtfully, deliberately.

There are no do-overs.

Luckily, there are apologies. You can acknowledge your mistake. You can’t take it back, but you can ask for forgiveness.

“It feels like everything I say matters now,” she said. Yes, everything you say matters.