Lawyers compare themselves to other lawyers more than most people compare themselves to most other people.

I don’t know why we’re like that, and I’m pretty sure it’s not healthy, but I know it’s true.

I do it. Lots of other lawyers do it. I wouldn’t be surprised if you do it. It comes up in my coaching conversations with lawyers.

Unfortunately, it rarely gets communicated as “I’m kicking the other lawyer’s ass.” Usually, it’s the opposite: we feel as if we’re losing.

It usually gets communicated as “I’m working really hard, and the other lawyer isn’t trying nearly as hard. Somehow, the other lawyer is winning, and I’m not.”

When I probe, I find that my client, the lawyer I’m helping, is deciding that the other lawyer is winning based on some fairly common indicators of “success.” My lawyer client is seeing a big house and a fancy car and determining that the other lawyer is “winning.”

Money Often Costs Too Much

Thankfully, I’ve got some insight into lawyer finances.

I’ve played a big part in the financial lives of a bunch of lawyers, having served as their divorce lawyer or having represented their spouse.

I’ve learned a bunch of things about the financial lives of lawyers.

Here are the dirty little secrets:

Some lawyers are killing it. They’re making more money than they can spend. Unfortunately, those lawyers aren’t in the majority. They’re a fairly small minority. Interestingly, many of them are conservative with their money, and you would never guess they had accumulated what they’ve been able to save and invest.

Then there are lots of other lawyers who aren’t making nearly what they appear to earn. They’re living the high life. They look very successful. They’ve got big houses and fancy cars. They send their kids to private schools, and they’re always out and about at the hot restaurants. They’ve got iPads and expensive suits. They’ve also got debt. Lots of debt.

A Fool and His Money Are Soon Parted

Debt can make you look very successful. You can look spectacular as you wave from your sports car zipping around town. Debt can also make you depressed, lonely, and suicidal. It can drive you to drugs and alcohol. 

These debt-laden lawyers are often the peers to whom we compare ourselves. That’s not healthy.

You’ll argue with me. Certainly, you say, the debt catches up with people. These folks go on living this way year after year. How can they be faking it?

Again, having handled their divorces, I’ve learned a few things—ugly things.

• They have no retirement plans, and when they have a plan, it’s got a loan against it.
• They have no life insurance, and when they do, it also secures a loan.
• They have business loans requiring interest-only payments, and they haven’t made a dent in the principal in years.

If you’re sufficiently motivated, it’s shockingly easy to live a very big life while failing to earn lots of money. Lawyers are particularly adept at juggling all of the financial pieces of the puzzle and crafting an appearance of success.

Redefine Measures of Success

Stop comparing yourself to them. Don’t do it.

Set your own measures, and don’t worry about the competition.

• Decide what difference you’re going to make in the lives of your clients and go do it.
• Decide what difference you’re going to make in the lives of your employees and co-workers and go do that.
• Most importantly, decide what difference you’re going to make in the lives of your family and go do that.

Comparing yourself to others—especially other lawyers—will never help you feel good about yourself. Do your own thing. Decide what matters, and focus on doing that thing and making that difference. The only comparison that’s healthy is the one where you compare yourself to your own standards for yourself. Do what you think is right and important. Don’t get sucked in by the fakers. Do what matters to you.