The dentist slipped and the drill skipped away from my tooth, down toward the back of my throat, and punctured my tonsil.

He realized what had happened and regrouped. Then he sewed two stitches to stop the bleeding. I spent nearly two weeks popping pain killers, one after another, as my throat slowly healed.

What did I say to the dentist? Nothing.

Sure, I got a new dentist, but I didn’t complain to the guy who stabbed me in the throat.

It takes guts to complain to a professional. It turns out I don’t have it in me. Between the ‘he has his hands in my mouth factor,’ the confusion, the pain, the professional relationship intimidation, and my inability to fully appreciate what had happened, I just walked away, silently. I was unwilling to stand up for myself–much like some of my clients who’d been disappointed by the work I’d done for them.

Sadly, my clients didn’t complain much

Let’s face facts: some of my clients were going to be very unhappy with me. I was a divorce lawyer. It didn’t matter how well I handled their case, some of them were not going to be pleased. This is not a particularly happy group of humans to begin with, and many lack relationship skills. Even if I got everything right, some of them were going to be distressed. It’s the nature of the game.

I was bothered by their upset, of course.

Typically, their expression of dissatisfaction triggered an equal and opposite response in me. They were upset with me, so I was upset with them. (I never claimed to be a model of maturity.)

But it’s hard not to become upset when a client is upset, and it’s not that we aren’t trying. We’re often killing ourselves trying to get things right. Perhaps we’re certain that we did everything we could, and circumstances were just against our client.

But with legal work, unlike dentistry, the issue is rarely caused by a drill to the throat. When our clients are upset, the cause is usually much more subtle, subjective, and open to interpretation. We can be quick to minimize their complaints.

Sometimes I didn’t want to hear it at all; when that happened, I was pretty quick to fall back on my advocacy skills–advocating for me.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t always gracious when my clients attacked me. I was wrong. I should have welcomed their willingness to criticize me. Instead, I let my defensiveness take over.

The complaining client is an asset, not a liability

I didn’t see complaining clients as assets. I saw them as big problems that might get even worse. They quickly went from being people I liked to being people I didn’t.

I saw them as something like a volcano getting ready to blow. Instead of hot lava and ash, I imagined them spewing negative reviews online, grievances to the Bar, refund requests, and credit card charge-backs.

I wish I’d seen them in a different light, but that required more generosity, patience, and compassion than I could usually muster.

Yeah, compassion didn’t always come easily to me.

Now, years later, I can reflect calmly on the causes of their distress. I can see it differently. I realize, too late, that I should have reacted another way. I should have celebrated those who were willing to tell me what they thought, even when they knew I wouldn’t want to hear it.

They are brave and you are lucky

I wasn’t brave enough to stand up for myself at the dentist. I paid my bill and quietly slunk away. I still have some regrets about not skewering that guy. Did I mention that he drives a Lamborghini?

But some of your clients are willing to stand up and tell you what they think. Those are the clients who will show you the way to a better law firm.

Those clients are brave enough to help you out. They’re not like me at the dentist.

It takes some gumption to complain to your attorney. For most people, an attorney is an authority figure, someone kind of like a parent or a teacher. There are psychological barriers to telling these folks what we actually think. Our clients came to us referred by someone they trust. They met with us and decided to trust us as well. Even when they’re unhappy with us, they wonder if it’s just their perception. They’re not always sure they’re right to be upset. You’ve likely had an experience of another lawyer’s client coming to you just to double-check, to get a second opinion, about whether they’re right to be distressed.

A complaint is an opportunity

It’s hard for many of us to appreciate how difficult it is to complain to us about us. We generally can’t relate to that reticence.  As a group, we’re complainers. We don’t often hesitate to tell people what we think. We’re the people standing at the store counter arguing for a change in store policy. Most people aren’t like us.

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I recently had a long conversation with the General Counsel for a significant business. He hires numerous firms each year to handle litigation matters around the world. Does he complain when things go wrong? Rarely. He expresses his displeasure by hiring a different firm next time. He’s mostly unwilling to express his displeasure.

Those firms that didn’t get more work lost out because the client wasn’t willing to complain. They would’ve been better off if the GC had provided more feedback.

It’s very difficult for your client to come to you and complain about the services they’re receiving, or the results they obtained. Most clients won’t ever say a word, directly to you, about their dissatisfaction.

They will, however, tell the rest of the world that you stink. They won’t hesitate to regale their friends with stories of your slow response times, distracted meeting behavior, and shoddy courtroom performance.

Take it in, thank them, and know they are not alone

When one of your clients comes to you with a complaint, it’s easy to get defensive. It’s easy to explain it away and believe that this situation is the exception rather than the rule. Unfortunately, that complaining client probably represents many other clients who feel the same way.

It’s important that you listen to what the client has to say. It’s important that you recognize that clients feel the way they feel, regardless of whether or not you’re in the right.

The fact that you have a great explanation, a great excuse, or that they misunderstood or misinterpreted doesn’t change the reality of the damage they’re doing to your reputation. You have to listen. You might even learn something.

Keep in mind that the complaining client is a representative of all the others who lack the willingness to tell you what they’re thinking. You’re getting feedback not just from the complainer, but also from all of your other upset clients who are afraid to tell you what they think. Be thrilled that the complaining client is willing to step forward and give you valuable feedback. Be grateful that the complaining client is bold, like you.

Instead of responding with defensiveness, listen and accept the feedback. The client’s reality is the reality that matters, and you’ve got to take action to correct the situation. It’s important, however, that you do more than correct the situation for the complaining client. You’ve got to correct the situation for all of your clients–both the complainers and the silent majority.

When you’re lucky enough to have a client complain, be thankful. Literally, thank them. Take their input to heart and express gratitude for the feedback. Whether or not they are right is irrelevant. What matters is that you’re getting input from the people who pay your bills. You’re fortunate to be getting what you’re getting, even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment.